Franco Trentalance? Hi, I'm Roberto Andreucci, and I'm calling because I'd like you to shoot a film with us in Rome, not a porno, a normal movie... well, sort of... A single shot lasting seventy-six minutes with the lead actor always in frame, like a theatrical monologue, with the difference being that I'm no Lawrence Olivier and that the lead is only framed in his “nether” regions.

Besides the difficulty of shooting without separate shots, I've got to act exclusively with my hands, and even have erections, but without sex, all in the middle of a frenetic storyline. So I answer "no"... I refuse the part.

My job as a porno actor is traumatic enough. But a man traumatized by sex and women is exactly what the director is looking for... and he promises to divide the lensing into three blocks, to allow me some creative space. And so I find myself in the nude, lying in a bed with a track between my legs and a telecamera nudging forward almost to the point of jabbing into the tool that provides my bread and butter. It's strange being on a set with my member at ease... I'm not used to it. It's like a tennis player with an unstrung racket.

The producer, Beppe Attene shows up and unlike any of his colleagues in the hardcore industry, he's calm as a pond. Maybe that's why his nickname is "The Professor."

The amtmosphere on set is wonderful and so to is the staff. Another great character is Roberto Andreucci, the executive producer, who somehow manages to hide all the problems and worries behind a sunny disposition and a natural sense of humor.

Zarantonello, the director is a bit of a tight butt, but even though he knows what he wants, he’s open to ideas, so as a start, I can’t complain. Two of the three actresses working with me are absolutely shy and hung-up and maybe because I’m a porno actor, they look at me as if I was some sort of bogeyman and so there’s none of the complicity that normally kicks in when I’m hammering away with porno starlets. I get more of a charge from the costume lady when she tests a slew of colorful rip-away boxer shorts on me… Still, I have to admit that overall, the girls worked well and as far as the movie’s concerned, their performances are perfectly natural.

Third day of rehearsals: the pressure is unbearable, I want to call it quits. The shooting is long and risky. Time is money and production costs have to be kept to a minimum.

After almost eight hours a day blocked in bed, my back is killing me and my legs are numb. In such conditions, it's easy to fly off the handle. Attene figures something's wrong and plays ahead of the pitch. He calms me down and compliments me, suggesting a few small changes to make my job easier. They put a scar on my leg along with, an orthopedic contraption that nearly scrapes my skin off.

Then "roll camera" time comes! Ready? Action!... I shave my intimate parts with a blunt razor, I chug down a disgusting baby food pap, I stick my dong into a vacuum cleaner tube, I get hit with a monkey wrench... and then damn-it-to-hell! There's a mistake! So we start all over again from the nauseating baby food, the dong in the vacuum cleaner tube, and the monkey wrench... whack!! (okay!)... and then they spread Nutella on me and handcuff me. The crew members move around my bed like a well lubed machine, fast and in synch, like a volley ball team driven by Coach Zarantonello. 10:30 PM. The last shot. It's done! The movie's shot and I haven't added any new traumas to my already troubled psyche, which all considered is quite a trick… Ciao and take care, Franco Trentalance.”